Self-Loathing

This Saturday I didn't do much. I sat in bed until four-ish, just being sad about my mistakes and my choices. It wasn't until five that I pulled myself together and took a shower. I got dressed afterwards and went for a walk. Walks are my way of composing myself and getting my thoughts together. I had some pretty good thoughts, some about the future, some about the past, reflecting on some memories. Overall there weren't many things that made the day bad but there was also nothing that made the day great.

I've Missed... This

Last Saturday I was forced to gather my friends to hang out. It's not like I hate being around my friends, I'm just not comfortable around all people in general and we're all shut-ins anyway. It turned out to be a pretty great day. Everyone arrived around five like I planned, we all went upstairs, and like the men we are, started playing video games. Games like Worms, Trials Evolution, Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World The Game, and other things like that. Honestly it was great I think because I had my friends over, it's been such a long time since I've actually spent a day with people I liked to be around.

Big Day

A lot of important things went on today for me. I woke up around six to take, what some may argue to be the most important test of your life, the SAT. I was one of the first ten people there along with my friend. I'm not kidding you, everyone was supposed to be inside the building before seven forty-five, I was in at around seven thirty along with probably only ten people. As the minutes passed more and more people showed up, the lobby was filled by eight 'O' clock. We took our test and I just happened to be seated in front of an old... someone I used to know. It got me thinking about things which will lead into more of this Saturday. I thought about some things in my past, some things that were hazy or not very clear... And that's when I felt it. A flash of intense pain, a heat wave of sorts, then, suddenly frozen. My hands were numb and it felt like I was being stabbed by a thousand dull needles with no end in sight. I've known this feeling before, it's the feeling right before my vision goes white then fades to black and I pass out. Granted I didn't have breakfast but I think it was my thoughts that made me ill. As soon as I felt my spell coming on, I quickly removed my jacket, let the cool air conditioned atmosphere set it, and slowed my breathing, taking deeper and deeper breathes as it progessively worsened. I managed to get internal systems stable before the test began, I knew the thoughts weren't going to just leave though. I took my test, I think I did pretty well, went home, sat down, stood up, ran to the bathroom, and let myself out there. Somewhere in between sat down and stood up, I thought about it again. It made me physically ill to think about it. The rest of the day pretty much consisted of walking around some more, getting myself back to moderate condition. When night fell I talked to a few of my close friends and even went to meet up with one of them. I was telling her about my thoughts and what had happened to me. I know she understands me and my feelings because she's going/has gone through the same things. I pretty much spilled my emotions out to her and it felt pretty great to just say it aloud to someone. We parted ways and her words still echoed in my head along with more thoughts. I wanted to talk to another person I've known for awhile, I couldn't just go meet up with this person so I sent out a text. I really tried to have a conversation but it quickly became clear that I wasn't someone that this person wanted to talk to. Maybe they were tired, maybe they weren't in the best of moods as it was, I just don't think they wanted to hear from me. On a brighter side, I've found so many new songs (at least to me) over the past week and I've not stopped listening to them. Had it not been for my dad and I going to a Three Days Grace concert, I would have missed out on so much great music.